Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize