dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
