Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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