Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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