So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
it was like his penis was on wheels.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
