i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
