"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
My cat gives me a boner
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Someone shattered a urinal.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
