last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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