i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize