i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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