I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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