Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
