I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
