Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Randomize
