Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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