you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
