You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
pray to the hookup gods
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize