i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
