He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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