Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
