worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
