You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
