I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
