you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
