oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
