1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
