I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
