after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Sext me about skeletons
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
