How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
