I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Randomize
