Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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