saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize