i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
