He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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