Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
