Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
You are the jesus of drinking
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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