my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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