just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
