I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
