Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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