8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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