He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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