my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
