its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
