she was so not down for the gang bang
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
