Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
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