I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
