i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
it's like iHOP with fire
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
