I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Randomize
