I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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