Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
