I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Randomize
