I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
