apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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