I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize