Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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