i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
