Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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