And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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