if only i could text you this smell
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
