Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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