Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
