probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize