My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
